Dear Jewrotica

Dear Jewrotica #9 – Halachic Permissibles

Dear Jewrotica,

What are the halachically permissible ways of touching and having sex? Would it be permitted to touch each others’ sex organs in any way, to have oral, anal sex and so on? Can you give sources for your answers? Would it be permissible to use profanity to increase sexual relations, like saying taboo or incendiary language to arouse our emotions?

My husband wants to start using sex toys, and I was curious if a lot of frum people use them? Also he would like to start having anal sex and I was wondering the same question do frum couples have this. What positions should we use? We have also bought anal beads. Does anyone here use sex toys in their marriage? We are Orthodox/Yeshivish, and are nervous but excited. Thank you.

– Malka from New York and Shaindy from Maryland

[Editor’s Note: Dear Jewrotica received two similar queries, which were combined and presented as a single topic in this week’s column.]

Dr. Limor
And God said: ‘Let there be light.’ And there was light (Genesis 1:3) Lord have mercy, we are saved!! Let me begin by sending a worldly regard to the courageous, terrific ladies that sent these inquiries, ‘The Sodom Amusement Park’ is now reopened for play..and it’s magnificent !!
Alright everyone, settle down, we’re talking salacious, thrilling, mind blowing lust and good sex here!

To stay on the Halachic end of it, I’ll relate to The Tur (Even Ha’ezer Siman 25, and the Aruch Hashulchan quotes it in Si’if 11, Siman 25) stating that in fact it does allow anal sex AND ejaculation during it, as long as one is not ragil b’kach (i.e. one does not frequently practice this). The Rambam can be quoted stating that ‘A man’s wife is permitted to him’ (The Beit Shmuel 25)Therefore a man may do whatever he desires with his wife. He may engage in relations whenever he desires, kiss, caress or penetrate any orifice he (and she) desires! Thus, vaginal or anal intercourse or engaging in different forms of physical intimacy are permitted, provided a man does not release seed in vain.

Nevertheless, it is pious conduct for a person not to act frivolously concerning such matters and to sanctify himself at the time of relations, as explained in Hilchot Deot:

(In Hilchot Deot, ch. 3, the Rambam elaborates on the concept that all of a person’s actions, even his sexual conduct, must be for the sake of heaven. In Chapter 5, Halachot 4-5, the Rambam elaborates on refined habits of sexual conduct.)

So there you have it ladies, ‘Be Playful and Multiclimax’…;) Carnal bliss y’all!

Leora Flax
There are several resources available to the Orthodox community, so I’m betting you’re not alone. Kosher Sex Toys is dedicated to selling sex toys to Jewish couples without making them uncomfortable–shipping is very discreet, and the pictures and descriptions on the site are toned down. They are also willing to special order most products for you–I didn’t see anal beads on the site, but it sounds like they can get them. I also highly recommend a book that came out this year The Newlywed’s Guide to Physical Intimacy by Jennie Rosenfeld and David Ribner–it can answer a lot of your questions and give you some new ideas. Have fun!

Ayo Oppenheimer
Agreed. You may wish to speak with your local rabbinic authority or yoetzet halacha for the ‘what is and isn’t permitted’ question. As for what a couple actually does in the privacy of their bedroom, that is likely a different story. And a new website and set of free online resources called were just released last month. (One of our team members covered their launch here.) Check out their ‘Intimate Exploration’ checklist (which includes a helpful glossary) and enjoy!

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