DEAR DR. L
Published on Thursday, 30 May 2013 2:20 PM
Dr. Limor Blockman
I’m contacting you in regards to a matter I have been struggling with, ever since my husband of 8 years has brought it up a few months back. My husband suggested that we should take part in an extramarital activity better known as swinging. The ‘community’ he referred to is a very exclusive and intense one that meets once a month for a weekend of sexual explorations. When he first initiated the discussion about the matter, it was brief and insignificant but ever since,he has become more and more demanding of my response to his request. I personally find my husband very attractive and fail to see the point of an exhibitionistic activity of that sort, and in swapping in general. I consulted a few of my close friends that had versatile opinions;some thought that it could enliven our relationship ,while others saw it as a treacherous step leading solely to destruction, which is pretty much my own opinion. I don’t know how to approach him about that or honestly what to say to shift him from this,now almost a fixation. Please help me save my marriage!
Thanks for your question, I assess that the topic of swinging comes up in close to 40% of married homes, figuratively or verbally alike, either way it comes down to it being a very common and urgent discussion on today’s relationship ‘menu’ so to speak. I’m pleased that you are opinionated and thus examining the matter pre action ,whether it is through consulting acquaintances or a professional. I must emphasize refraining from bringing a personal opinion into our discussion, as this is not the place to present a manifest advocating or negating the choice of this alternative lifestyle,as the topic is too vast to dissect and in any case to each his own. In your specific case ,I must professionally recommend aborting this notion ,as the foundation of it is rocky and might predict an upcoming collapse. Rarely do both parties approach this venture with mutual interest ,exultation and stamina. In your case ,you have already stated that should you take part in this activity it will be solely for your husband’s sake, surely any activity that is being pursued for any one else’s interest rather than our own, is bound to end in discontent to say the least, especially as we’re dealing with a form of action that might jeopardize your entire marriage. In a more abstract way of putting it, ‘one might find it extremely difficult to surrender to imposed vegetarianism,healthier choice as it is, after being indulged with sizzling steaks that are just eager to be eaten,whenever the craving arises’..
In conclusion, I strongly recommend avoiding this activity and engaging in an assertive yet supportive dialogue with your husband, preferably with a third professional party, to examine needs and wishes that might be addressed and supported by other notions, much less crucial or hazardous to your relationship! Best of luck!!
I’m a 43 year old man, healthy in general other than my hypotension that I was diagnosed with a few years back. I recently have experienced a difficult divorce ending a 15 year marriage, I’m quite distressed and shocked being ‘thrown’ back into the dating scene. I went on a few dates that were pleasant enough, however I keep getting nervous over my ability to satisfy a new partner or maintain the sufficient stamina ,as I haven’t experienced any relations with anyone other than my spouse for so long and feel pretty anxious. I don’t suffer from impotence per se and do wake up ‘functional’ so to speak ,but I thought I should consult you with your wonderful wisdom examining whether it will be risky or problematic for me to use a Viagra prior to my next date, as I assume it will put me at ease and allow me to function more freely with less anxiety.
By the way I truly like your column and am very thankful for your time!
First, I would like to personally thank you for your kind words, I highly appreciate your compliments! As to your profoundly important question, I’m very thankful for your boldness bringing up ‘recreational use of prescription medication’,as it is highly common and mostly hazardous. You are a young man, clearly not battling impotence as you attested to morning erections, more importantly (and HERE is the most important part of your inquiry), you DO suffer from hypotension. Viagra by its property lowers blood pressure by enhancing nitric oxide and thus vasodilating blood vessels.
Being a man that already deals with lower blood pressure, you would be knowingly putting yourself at risk using a vasodilator. I’m very certain that there are many men in your position dealing with new relationships and/ or emerging out of long and familiar relationships,thus exhibiting discomfort and anxiety over new connections, however there is absolutely no need in taking any physical risks when approaching an emotional challenge, the latter can be dealt with via psychoanalytical methods that might provide reassurance, establish self confidence and introduce new ways along the dating scene management. I commend your approach seeking advice. Please refrain from unnecessarily using this medication and embrace a long and healthy life.
Best of luck and happiness!
Dr.Limor Blockman,PhD Sex&Relationship Counselor www.DrLimor.com Doctorlimor@gmail.com
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